thank you bathtub crocodile
this show was on drugs.
drugs that reassured us
I think I’m way too hard on, well, everyone. I’m really hard on my friends and family, but I think I’m even harder on myself. And I don’t think that’s any way to live this one life that I have.
A lot has happened in the past month or so.
I still have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. But I know what I don’t want.
I don’t want to work for $9/hour for the rest of my life, especially since I have the privilege of another option.
I don’t want to give up anymore; I want to complete things until the very end.
I don’t want to only be fluent in one language. I want to be fluent in at least one other so that I can fully submerge myself in a different culture, and experience it in a way that only language will allow me to.
I don’t want to live another day without writing in some shape or form. Whether that comes in the forms of essays or fanfiction, or my original stories. From this point forward, no matter the excuse, I’m going to continue writing. What is it that Stephen King suggest…I believe he says that he writes 2,000 words a day. I think I’m going to start doing that now. Not later this week, or after this or not but now.
But most importantly, I don’t want to live another day with regret. I don’t want to ever let anyone take away my “spark” again. There are good people in my life and it’ll take time of course, but I won’t let them suffer for the mistakes and troubles that a few in my past had caused me. So from now on I think I’m going to make this blog truly more positive this time. Articles and such to inspire that change. Keep calm and always Smile on, remember? :)
I’m going to try and convince my dad to help me return to college next fall. I’m going to finish my English degree at the school I originally attended and if I still have those 2.5 years left of his help like he originally stated, then I’m going to double major in Italian Studies. If not, then I’ll minor in something else. Probably Art History or History. Those classes look fascinating.
Speaking of regret…I’m currently crushing hard on a guy I’ve never thought I would seriously crush on. Now, it was never explicitly said but the reason I didn’t state gender before now is that I didn’t want the focus to be on that, nor on my own gender, or on my sexuality or what-have-you because to me that isn’t/wasn’t what was important. However, Corey is unique. Everyone is special, but he’s…I don’t even know the word for it, but he’s that. He’s shown me such tenderness and affection that I’ve never experienced from another human being before. At least not in the way that he’s given it to me. He respects me as a human being, and it speaks through his actions alone. Without a word he’s continuing to accept me just the way I am. And in such a short amount of time, and with such subtly without an once of the aggressive forwardness that I’m use to experiencing, he’s teaching me how to open up and trust others again in that way. All without even trying, haha.
I don’t even know for sure if it’ll go anywhere, but whatever happens, Corey is important and as such, I don’t want to hide anything about him.
I trust him, and trust that he wants to hang out with me again and will contact me about it soon. So…I’ve decided that when I see him again, I’m not going to hold back anymore. I’m going to go all in. That doesn’t mean I’m going to just give him my heart or anything, just…I’m not going to hold back anymore. With him, or anyone. Something I’ve admired, truly admired, within certain people is how they continue to just be themselves, and to be optimistic and caring no matter what. They don’t let others bring them down and continue to simply live, and that’s what I want to strive for. The rest will fall into its place soon enough.
So I’m going to keep calm, and truly Smile on.
And for those who follow me, and for those who listen, if only a little, thank you. From the very bottom of my heart.
I just realized, after briefly glancing at my journal entries, that the recent ones have revolved around others. Like how I feel about this person or that one or this and that and just…no. Fuck that. I hate this realization, even if it should’ve been apparent to me a long time ago.
I hate how it makes me. I don’t need a significant other in my life in order to feel any sense of validation. Like I somehow owe them; to not “mess up.” That’s not how it works. Or maybe rather, that’s not how I think it should work. That, and I simply refuse to let happen what happened before. As “bad” as that sounds.
I still don’t understand it despite “seeing” it but at the same time, it’s also quite dense to deny it.
I just don’t understand why I’m “liked” so much for my apparent looks. They don’t know me as a person. They don’t even care enough to ask anything about me. They see what they want to see (but I suppose we all are like that to some extent…yes?). But why should the genetics I happen to be “graced” with be so fucking important to others anyway? I didn’t ask to look the way that I do, just like I didn’t ask to be born. And I hate how I’m expected to smile and to…well, frankly, to be an arrogant ass about it. I’m not suppose to feel any ill will towards it…that I’m “lucky.” Well, I don’t see how having multiple people wanting to only fuck me be something I should be proud of. It’s hardly a personal achievement of mine; I didn’t do anything. It just…is. It’s nothing but factual information. A stupid fact, but a fact nonetheless. Nothing more.
I think that’s part of why I love dishwashing so much…there’s no pretense to look nice. It’s all based on merit. It doesn’t matter what I look like because that doesn’t have anything to do with how I’m doing my job. People seem to be so surprised that I dishwash though…like I’m not suppose to be there /snort. Really?
Ugh…I don’t want to focus on this anymore. Right.
Keep calm and always Smile on.
I definitely don’t like Sammy like that. I wasn’t entirely sure before but I am now! :D
But I can tell already that we’ll have a very…unique and physical relationship. In that we’ll definitely be very touchy feely and have practically no personal space with each other, but it will be completely platonic. Which is what I thought it was originally but began having doubts as time went on.
So we ended up spending most of today together and it was funny because at first we were indirectly explaining to one another that we mutually weren’t interested in each other like that. Sammy was the one who said it first but when they stated it, I realized that I didn’t like them like that and actually felt fucking relief. I then further realized that I was only extremely comfortable around them and we just happened to click. That’s all. I just got confused somewhere along the way. Probably because Abs teased me lightly about maybe having a crush on them and how I should “go for it”, etc. etc. So that’s “solved”!
Funnily enough though, I think I’m getting drinks tonight with K and a “friend” of theirs who they think I’ll “click” with. It was hilarious because K called this “friend” my future spouse when we were drunk last night and apparently some people around me were flirting with me pretty hard because even I noticed how weird/jealous/etc. they were being when K said that. Which is saying something because I’m horrible with that kind of thing. So we’ll see how that goes. Don’t have any expectations though, not gonna lie. Sounds like it’ll be fun though!
Keep calm and always Smile on.